Monday, June 15, 2009

My Story..........

OK, so I have been putting off this post, I guess, because I have never really retold my story completely, start to finish.

Ben and I met when I was dating his friend Andrew. I was young and Andrew was the first boy I had ever been serious with. I was so in Love! ( or so I felt at the time, I have since come to experience so many more loves so much more profound, but how deep can you be at 15?!)
But it turned out fate had other plans for me and I got dumped.
In my dismay I called the only person who knew Andrew as well a I did....Ben. He came and as we talked and spent the day together, I realised how kind and caring he was and I started to forget the pain and rejection that had gripped me earlier.
We spent every day together from that day on and after a week of dating he looked me right in the eyes and said "I Love You, I really mean it." And he did!
I laughed and told him he was crazy and that you cant love someone after a week, but he was adamant that he would prove it to me.
We spent everyday together from then on and after a couple of months we moved in together. I was 16 and he was 25. We were so in love.
All I had ever wanted was to be a mum, and after MUCH convincing Ben finally gave in and I fell pregnant 3 months before my 18th birthday.
We were so excited! We bought a house and later that year our beautiful daughter was born.
Everything seemed to be perfect. Little did I realise that we were getting deep into financial debt.
I don't blame Ben, he was working so hard, running his own business and when he wasn't working I wanted him to spend all his time with us.
I was feeling insecure about my post baby body and missing the freedom of being a teenager and I was seeking constant reassurance.
As a result the book work failed to get done and tax debt piled up.
I wanted to help but I think I wasn't willing to learn how to do book work and frankly, at 18, looking at all that debt frightened the crap out of me!
So I began to go out a lot with friends. When I was out I didn't have to worry about the responsibility of owning a house and paying bills and all that stuff. I felt like a teenager .
I was a good mum and I still loved Ben however we were both guilty of just sweeping our problems under the rug.
As time went by, I found myself being more involved with my friends than with Ben. I wanted to be with them because I felt carefree, at home I just felt like I was drowning in a sea I couldn't get out of.
One night, after being out, I was trying to avoid a fight with Ben by using sex. We didn't use protection, but we agreed the next day I would take the Morning After Pill.
So first thing in the morning I went to the doctor and got it.
I didn't think any more about it until one of my friends said to me, 3 weeks later, that I was late for my period. We had all fallen into sync and all the girls had gotten theirs a week before.

The pregnancy test revealed I was pregnant. I was in shock. I didn't want to stop the lifestyle I was living. I didn't want to quit smoking. I didn't want to get fat again. I didn't want to be stuck at home all the time again. Every reason I had for not wanting to keep the baby was completely selfish.
Although we were living together, Ben and I had really grown apart, our relationship was shaky at best. Even still, he was so supportive, he said he would stand by any decision I made. My friends were the same.
The decision fell square on my shoulders. I was told "You could just think of it as a late period"
"A friend of mine had it done, you're in and out in a couple of hours"

I wish I could say that I thought long and hard about the pros, the cons, my daughter, Ben, the child growing inside me but I didn't, I thought only of my own selfish desires.
I picked up a phone book, I made an appointment, I dropped my daughter at my mum's and Ben took me to the clinic.
I signed myself in and sat down hanging my head low in shame and guilt. I saw a couple of other girls sitting casually waiting, as if waiting for a bus. I thought, " Why isn't anyone stopping me?" I thought at some point someone would say"And what is your reason?"and I would look at them dumbfounded and they would say " Not good enough!"and kick me out. But that didn't happen. They scanned me and said my baby was at 3 weeks gestational age, she asked me if I smoked or took drugs or suffered depression(I think that was my counselling?) and then I was taken to a room, laid on the operating table and told to count slowly back from 10................
When I woke I didn't feel any different, I thought I would feel empty but as it turns out the emptiness creeps upon you slowly and quietly,when you are alone or sad or scared. It comes every time you look into the eyes of your other children, it comes whenever another woman is pregnant and it is a pain that resonates through your bones.

I was taken to a computer where I was shown the scan before and after( I guess they have to prove they did it).Life and Death. Beginning and End. Good and Evil..
I cried on the way home and then I pushed it deep, deep down so I wouldn't have to see it again....
I really believed that once I had it done that it would be over. I honestly thought that I would be sad for a couple of days and then I would be OK. That is a lie we tell ourselves.
Ben and I separated not long after it happened and I moved in with one of my friends.
I spent a lot of time in a lovely place named Denial. Nice place to visit but unfortunately they don't let you stay long. They give you your walking papers and send you off to Harsh Reality.

You see, no matter how much we rationalise it, or explain it away, no matter what reasons you come up with, justified or not, the truth remains the same. Life was there and then it was gone. Just like the scan they showed me. Life then Death. Death does happen everyday that is a fact but what is worse than a death in your family? Your own child? At your own hands? Let me tell you friends. Nothing. Nothing is worse than that.
You wont ever regret the choice of Life but the choice of Death is one that at some point we will be held accountable for. We aren't accountable for what is done to us, only how we respond. God can take a negative and turn it into a positive.
Ben and I have since reconciled, found Jesus, gotten married and had two beautiful sons. Jesus has taken the negative and turned it into a positive. He has restored our love and our family, forgiven us for our choice and he is continually healing our hearts and our own relationship.
I don't feel judgement, fear, guilt or shame anymore. I know I am forgiven. It will be a long time before it doesn't hurt anymore, if ever, but I know that Jesus's blood is what has redeemed me from this crime. All he asked was that I lay it at his feet and ask to be forgiven. I didn't have to beg or grovel, I just had to mean it and He welcomed me with open arms. I am safe and loved and healing.

I thank you for taking the time to read this, there is so much more I could say but that will have to wait for another time because now I have 3 angels to kiss and tuck into bed.


  1. oh my friend. what strength it must have taken to be vulnerable and share your story. Thank you. May it bless all who read it and truly show other people the healing power of Jesus.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing from your heart! Your blog radiates God's love and grace. May you be blessed!


I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live

Deuteronomy 30:19